On The Preciousness of Mentors

We carry a fundamental error in thinking that we are already our own mentors. This view is not dissimilar to the fundamental cause of suffering – the habituated projection of the sense of an isolated self. However, when we think back to times of internal or external crisis, we actually would never have gotten through them alone – there was always some book or a good friend who helped us through those times. Simply stated, without those other things and circumstances, we would not have been able to endure and learn from challenging life episodes. In fact, it is only because we were in proximity to methods and friends who offered guidance that we were able to learn the lessons and grow. For this reason, teachings and mentors are truly priceless. 

If we had no one or no teaching to offer constructive ways of interpreting the challenges we face, we would repeat those errors endlessly – we would be forever stuck on the same math equation, for example. But a mentor cannot solve it for us – that is, mentors do not “fulfill destiny” – only the student can do the work. A mentor simply offers insights that transform our view and understanding of challenges as well as practical techniques which enhance that view. The work of the student is simply to remain in proximity to the mentor – but that’s harder than it sounds.

To a certain degree, we are always surrounded by things and people that can potentially teach us – like the things that have gotten us through crises before. But there comes a time when “just any old thing won’t do” – and so we turn to the discussion of quality. How can the quality of one mentor be discerned from another? Why not just take advice from a cool friend? In order to deliberately evolve ourselves, we should seek the guidance of whomever we want to become more like – only an individual that has what we want. 

There comes a time when what we seek and what we want to know gets deeper than what most people have investigated. The seriousness of our inquiry – asking deeper, more sincere questions about the meaning of life – means that we need a real mentor. By real mentor, I mean someone whose sole aim in life is to be of service to others through teaching Dharma. Such a being sees straight through the crap and will only speak honestly, even if it comes across as harsh. Such a being knows exactly what “medicine” to offer, because that one possesses clarity – clarity developed only through having once been a student.

There are various ways to determine if and when we have met such a being, but one of the main things that distinguishes a real mentor is intensity. A mentor will often say and do things that at first may seem to contradict what we think is “right”. A mentor can be provocative in this way, in order to help us begin to question and later take down the unnecessary barriers that separate us from the truth. 

Like the sun, the closer we get to a mentor, the greater the heat – and therefore, the greater the possibility for transformation. A true mentor has a kind of magnetic force field. As mentioned, the student’s challenge is to endure – to remain in proximity, stay within the tension, and face the resistance. As the student transforms, the resistance naturally subsides, and the student finds her or himself in possession of immense willpower, compassion, dedication, clarity, and so on. 

By developing the skill to constructively “orbit” the mentor, the student becomes more like the mentor, whose sole purpose is to assist others. This is the ultimate goal for a real mentor – to make a mentor out of the student – that she or he may also develop the ability to hold others inside of a tension that produces transformation of being. But it’s not possible for us to just skip to the end and become a mentor without having resided in the student vehicle first – it would be a fantasy to think so. This is because ultimately, a mentor remains a student, in the sense of being a receiver of teachings and a link in the chain of the lineage. There is no “mentor identity” that exists apart from the lineage of mentors or from the teachings. A mentor is, ultimately, just an empty vessel that houses the teachings and expresses and radiates them. Without receptivity, no teachings come through. Without teachings, there is no mentor to be identified. 

We progress from point A to point B –  that is, from thinking we don’t need a mentor, then to understanding the value of “mentor-ness”. The more we begin to value “mentor-ness”, the more we become sensitive to the needs of others. The more sensitive to the needs of others we become, the more capable of assisting we become. The more capable we become of assisting others, the more meaningful our lives become. 

Ultimately, a mentor is not some high being up on a pedestal, giving out answers to life. A mentor is someone who radiates care and compassion, even in the form of tough love, when necessary. There is unnecessary suffering, and then there is deliberate challenge and resistance. A mentor helps us clarify the difference between these two.

Contemporary practitioners sometimes lack discernment when interacting with mentors. There is a real danger of, as already mentioned, thinking we don’t need mentors – or in extreme cases, worshipping the mentor. This is quite ridiculous. Again, a mentor is only a temporary steward of the teachings, which are what is ultimately important. Sometimes, when we meet mentors, we feel a sense of awe and even become enamored by their lucidity and eloquence. When this happens, a real mentor will simply remind us to direct that energy and admiration to the Dharma Itself – and to study, reflection, and meditation, in that order. True mentors will also remind us that “Dharma” is just a word that points to the wonder of being human – that is, the magic that all humans can do and can know.